False Identities

I have played a variety of roles throughout my life, sometimes on an actual stage and others wearing the makeup and costuming of insecurity and group identity. Insecurity is a hot topic for me. I grew up as a perfectionist only child with performance-based values. I had terrific parents who loved me and raised me well, but we are each born into this world fatally flawed. No combination of conscientious parenting, enriching education, or stable developmental environments will produce a person free of major, life-ruining flaws. That seems like quite the despairing world view, and it is...apart from Christ crucified. More on that in a minute.

My mom had a saying that she faithfully pounded into my memory during my teenaged years: "Comparison is the root of all inferiority." The statement is simple yet profound. I'm performance-oriented, remember, so often I find my self-worth in how well I achieve goals or how consistently I impress certain people. I don't want to be mediocre at anything. I want to be a crazy inspirational teacher, a ridiculously talented singer, an impeccable wife, the most thoughtful friend. I strive with all my might to be these things, to play these roles if you will, and I inevitably fail. You see, there will always be someone who teaches with more passion and expertise than I do, someone whose voice far surpasses mine, someone who puts my wifeliness to shame, someone who is naturally a better friend to others than I could ever hope to be. My hope cannot be placed in these things. My self-worth cannot hinge on my ability to perform well. If I live my life this way, I am constantly submitting myself to insecurity and heartache. There has to be more to who I am than these unachievable and false identities.

Thankfully, there is so much more to who I am. But it's not because of anything I've done, am capable of doing, or will do. The only beautiful thing about me is my identity as a daughter of God. I am valuable because He chose to give me worth. The creator of the universe, my creator and yours, condescended to earth and took on the full weight of our sin. He took all of our false identities, all of the things of this world that entice and then disappoint, and nailed them to a cross. Jesus crucified my wretched nature when He gave His life in place of mine. He rose from the grave, giving all of humanity  the right to choose life in Him. We now have a right to all of the good gifts of God because we are brothers and sisters with Christ. We are God's children and have a perfect inheritance in Him. 

What does this new identity mean for my day to day life? It means that the Father won't judge me because He already punished Jesus in my place. It means that God delights in me as a father does his beloved child. It means that nothing broken in me is unfixable through the power of the Holy Spirit. It means I don't have to perform. I can stop trying so hard to impress. I can stop comparing myself to people who have what I think I want. It means I am free.

I will never be perfect this side of heaven, and insecurity will rear its hideous head at me when it senses my moments of weakness. My prayer for myself, and for you, is that in these moments the Spirit will remind us who we truly are. Lord, strip away these false identities I masquerade in. Remind me who I am when I take off my worldly trappings. Keep insecurity in any area of my life from gaining a stronghold in my thoughts. It's in You alone that real rest and security are found. I've tasted the sweetness of that and I want always to hunger for Your acceptance - which is already mine. Thank You.

For those of you who like practical application, here is a prayer crafted by my pastor, J.D. Greear, in his recent book "Gospel." It's simple, Biblical, and true. I encourage you to make it a part of your regular prayer time, or to start with this prayer as a model if you're uncomfortable praying on your own. As always, hit me up if you want to discuss this topic further, and leave a comment if you have Scripture verses or ideas of your own to share.

The Gospel Prayer

In Christ, there is nothing I could do to make You love me more; nothing I have done that makes You love me less.

You are all I need today for everlasting joy.

As You have been to me, so I will be to others.

As I pray, I'll measure Your compassion by the cross and Your power by the resurrection.

 

Little Bear, Little Bear

If you read my last post, Into the Glorious, here are some nostalgic photos of little Tori enjoying the Ranch. Just for the heck of it, and because it's enormously interesting to me to see other people's childhood pics. Is that creepy? Oh well. You know you creep too.

3 or 4 years old, getting a good old-fashioned scrub in a bucket from Grammy.
The house wasn't built yet so we visited the property in an RV.

Me and Daddy pausing in our exploration of an old cabin. Look at what hunk he was!
In this photo Dad was the age I am right now...and he had a 4 year old. Wow.

Oh you know, just playing with my Popple and a snake.

Me (6 yrs) and my childhood best friend, my cousin Erin (4 yrs), hanging out on the RV steps.

Eight year old me "helping" Papa (my grandfather) dig out a spring. I'm sure I was a HUGE help.

Into the Glorious

I feel like I must be one of the most fortunate people I know to have in the family a remote mountain house nestled into the Colorado Rockies. My grandfather's biological father left him and his mother when he was a small boy, and the man who later became his stepfather was a gracious gift of God to him. I love hearing my grandfather tell stories of his childhood and speak with great respect and affection for his true father - his stepdad. Great Grandpa Claude, as we Summers grandkids call him, owned quite a bit of land at the base of some mountain peaks outside of Steamboat Springs. That land was first settled in the early 20th century and is still in the family nearly 100 years later. My grandfather has acquired more adjacent property over the past forty years, making a trip to their summer house up on the mountain a truly magical experience.

Picture steering your truck off of the little country highway onto a dirt road that stretches as far as you can see until the first bend of a hillside. Poke along that road, dust flying up as you pass, and drink in the gorgeous fields and forested peaks. It's not uncommon to spot dozens of elk in the early morning or at dusk, and of course you will offer a wave to the shepherd whose sheep graze lazily alongside of the road. Cows, chipmunks, and mule deer are other animals you'll expect to see wandering about. In a season of good rain, green growth along the roadside and up through the wooded hills is laden with wildflowers. Lavender and white Columbine, the state flower, are the loveliest of the various types and colors you will enjoy. After fifteen or so minutes of this view, winding higher and higher up the mountain, you finally arrive at the house. The property stretches for miles behind the cabin and is home to quaint ponds, original cabin homesteads finally succumbing to the elements, rock formations adorned with Native American drawings, and beautiful vistas if you're willing to hike up to them. Can you envision it yet?

The crazy thing is, I haven't always appreciated visiting what is known as Heritage Mountain Ranch. When I was a child, I adored our visits. It was a chance to explore a great, expansive outdoor playspace. As a teenager, the mountain's charm was no longer appealing enough to warrant the fuss I made of ticks, rattlesnakes, and the very occasionally seen bear. It was just after I finished college that I flew out to CO to spend a week with my grandparents and truly fell in love with the place. I finally stilled my mind and heart long enough to appreciate the glory of God's creation begging for admiration all around me. Now I visit every chance I am given. Take a gander below and I think you'll see why. 

the house from a vantage point up a steep hillside

I had to include a pic of my handsome husband!

gorgeous view

move it, sheepy sheepy sheepy 

tons of butterflies this year

another stunner

one of the old cabins

Note: The title for this post was taken from Christy Nockels' newest album, "Into the Glorious," my soundtrack for this summer's trip. 

Sunny San Diego...Sort Of

This has proven to be a busy month of traveling and baby showering, not leaving me time for thoughtful, clever blog posts (okay, so I like to think I'm clever at least some of the time). Here is a quick and painless recap in photos of my trip to visit family in California a few weeks ago. Lest you view this first photo and think, "Ah, sunny San Diego," let me explain that Southern Cali beach towns in June are lucky to make it to 75 degrees chilly during the day. I'll take what they call California "June Gloom" over the sunny, suffocating temps of 100-106 we've had in Raleigh this week anytime! Sigh...

Oh, you know, I just drive my giant golf cart to dinner. Or my Mercedes. Both very Californian and funny to see parked side by side.

Gorgeous Fuschia hanging flowers. I thought these looked like magical Disney flowers growing up.

I developed a new fondness for Dahlias while visiting the San Diego County Fair's flower show. What an amazing flower! God is ridiculously creative. Love.

A trip to visit my family in Solana Beach isn't complete without at LEAST one meal at Tony's Jacal Mexican Restaurant. It's been around since the 1940's and is holy frijoles good!! This is quite possibly the best chimichanga made in the United States. You can be jealous.

Next update to come in a week or so. The hubs and I are headed to Steamboat Springs, Colorado to visit my other side of the family tomorrow! No fireworks for the Fourth of July in wildfire country, but we'll make some patriotic mischief of our own.