Rules

This has been one big hairy beast of a week for perfectionist teacher Tori. There's nothing quite like strolling into work on a Monday morning and immediately encountering an email from the boss that dashes any hope for the confident, happy day that might have been. I am so easily wounded! As a teacher of written language I am profoundly embarrassed when my use of grammar is called into question (there's a little clue of what the email was about). As if that Monday morning's chastisement wasn't enough, I quickly received a non-academic email that also corrected my grammar (albeit playfully, it still stung)! That was twice in the span of one hour that I was made to stare a professional flaw in its ugly, grinning face. If you are anything like me when it comes to taking great pride in your value as a professional, you can imagine that at this point the emotional floodgates opened. Suddenly I felt wholly inadequate to be an English teacher. Why had I even been given a place in the Humanities department? Why had I not been sequestered to the gym basement teaching drama, a skill that was obviously better developed?

I was, of course, being completely ridiculous as I embraced these self-effacing thoughts. So my grammar isn't always flawless. So my command of style isn't what it could be. Did these things make me a terrible teacher? No. Did they mean that I have some growing to do as a writer and teacher? Sure. Is it okay that I have not "arrived," yet am teaching? I think so. There are other aspects of teaching humanities that I know I do well. Rather than tossing those aside, why not work to strengthen the skills that are lacking? My husband wisely stated as I whined to him on Monday evening, "Honey, you didn't major in English. You majored in Theatre. You can't expect yourself to operate at a level of professionalism for which you haven't been fully trained." Well, he said something like that anyway. And he was absolutely correct. So maybe I will take a grammar refresher course next summer, or even contemplate a bit further the masters degree in English I've been thinking about tackling. Either way, a few days of contemplation later I can look my flaw in its face and see that perhaps it isn't as hairy, hideous and wart-ridden as I had initially thought. Maybe it's more like a teetering toddler that just needs a steady hand to help it bumble forward in a mostly straight line. Or something like that.

This entry wouldn't accurately represent my blog if I didn't offer some spiritual insight to accompany my more worldly epiphany. God has an uncanny habit of paralleling what I'm learning in my daily life with a spiritual truth I need to grasp. This week was no different. I've been reading in Galatians this week (thanks to shereadstruth.com, which I HIGHLY recommend to you girls out there). To be completely transparent, it's been almost annoying to hear Paul speak about his ministry to the Gentiles and how undeterred he was by the opinion of others. Here I am cradling my wounded pride to my chest as I read Paul saying things like "If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ" (1:10) and "I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing" (2:21). That's all well and good, Paul, but I want to impress people. I want to live by the list of rules I've set for myself that defines what makes a person good...I want to forget that Jesus died on a cross to erase my need for perfection. I want, I want, I want. 

Thank You, Lord, for the persistent reminder You've given me this week: I don't have to hold myself to  an unattainable standard. I don't have to labor endlessly toward a perfection I can never embody. Paul said it so beautifully:

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me" (2:20). 

This side of heaven I need daily reminders of God's free grace and merciful love. The perfection my heart longs for is found in the Person of Jesus Christ. Amen and hallelujah.