In the waiting

I'm waiting again. Waiting at the gate, watching passengers rush on to their destinations while I sit, going nowhere. Waiting for my flight to be called so I can ascend again into a cheery blue sky. I want to peer down at my current circumstance through a plexiglass window and barely be able to discern its edges. I want to move on.

But I'm waiting again. Not because I want to. Not because I think it's what it best for me. Rather, because I have no choice. Because, for some reason unfathomable to me, my perfect Father knows this is what I need right now.

I've spent nearly three months now back in the full swing of Major Depressive Disorder. Some days I wrestle with God over why. Sometimes I don't care about anything at all. Daily I hear His voice speaking love and comfort over me. Realistically, I don't want His comfort. I want His deliverance.

I spend time every morning reading His Word, even though I haven't truly wanted to most days this summer. He keeps pointing my stubborn heart back to Psalm 40. He keeps trying to show me how He is moving. Once in a while I let Him.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 40:1-3

God wants me to wait - patiently. Merriam-Webster defines patient as "steadfast despite opposition, difficulty or adversity." I almost have to laugh reading that definition, as the very word steadfast is tattooed on my wrist. And it dawns on me. He is certainly steadfast in His love for me, no matter whether I ignore or admire, accuse or praise Him. He is patient with me. Maybe He is teaching my soul to be patient, too. Maybe He is asking me to trust Him as He molds me more into His likeness, makes my love steadfast like His.

I'm not writing this for self-promotion or even creative catharsis. I'm writing it because of Psalm 40:3. I don't ever want my suffering to be in vain. I want to keep asking God what He will show me about myself and about His character - and I want to share what I'm learning with others in the hopes that He will somehow be glorified through it.

So if you're waiting too, I'm genuinely sorry. I know how difficult it can be, how lonely and frustrating and seemingly endless. But friend, can I challenge you as I challenge myself? Don't waste your waiting. Ask Him what He wants to teach you, and let Him put a new song in your mouth. No matter what your circumstance, He is at work. And He is steadfastly pursuing your heart.