In the waiting

I'm waiting again. Waiting at the gate, watching passengers rush on to their destinations while I sit, going nowhere. Waiting for my flight to be called so I can ascend again into a cheery blue sky. I want to peer down at my current circumstance through a plexiglass window and barely be able to discern its edges. I want to move on.

But I'm waiting again. Not because I want to. Not because I think it's what it best for me. Rather, because I have no choice. Because, for some reason unfathomable to me, my perfect Father knows this is what I need right now.

I've spent nearly three months now back in the full swing of Major Depressive Disorder. Some days I wrestle with God over why. Sometimes I don't care about anything at all. Daily I hear His voice speaking love and comfort over me. Realistically, I don't want His comfort. I want His deliverance.

I spend time every morning reading His Word, even though I haven't truly wanted to most days this summer. He keeps pointing my stubborn heart back to Psalm 40. He keeps trying to show me how He is moving. Once in a while I let Him.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 40:1-3

God wants me to wait - patiently. Merriam-Webster defines patient as "steadfast despite opposition, difficulty or adversity." I almost have to laugh reading that definition, as the very word steadfast is tattooed on my wrist. And it dawns on me. He is certainly steadfast in His love for me, no matter whether I ignore or admire, accuse or praise Him. He is patient with me. Maybe He is teaching my soul to be patient, too. Maybe He is asking me to trust Him as He molds me more into His likeness, makes my love steadfast like His.

I'm not writing this for self-promotion or even creative catharsis. I'm writing it because of Psalm 40:3. I don't ever want my suffering to be in vain. I want to keep asking God what He will show me about myself and about His character - and I want to share what I'm learning with others in the hopes that He will somehow be glorified through it.

So if you're waiting too, I'm genuinely sorry. I know how difficult it can be, how lonely and frustrating and seemingly endless. But friend, can I challenge you as I challenge myself? Don't waste your waiting. Ask Him what He wants to teach you, and let Him put a new song in your mouth. No matter what your circumstance, He is at work. And He is steadfastly pursuing your heart.

Perfect storms

We all know the perfect Christian. You know her, she's the one with perfectly dressed, perfectly smiling children on Instagram. She's the one who always responds to, "Hey, how are you?" with "Awesome!" She's that girl who seems to always be perfectly thriving in her perfectly manicured life. Her texts are laden with praise hand emoticons and exclamation points in equal excess. She's arrived. She loves Jesus, therefore her life is perfect.

Right?

No. That person doesn't exist. Not really. That perfect Christian is just extremely good at masquerading at happiness. How do I know this? Because the Bible says ALL humans are completely, utterly screwed up and immeasurably flawed. Becoming a follower of Christ doesn't unlock a magic door that leads you into a perfectly happy life. I want to apologize on behalf of the girl mentioned above and everyone else like her in today's Christian culture who perpetuates this myth. There are many Christians who feel a tremendous burden to outwardly appear lovely and happy and fulfilled because … well if I'm not, doesn't that mean I'm not really a Christian? Or am I not really trusting God to give me my best life now?

Do you know what Jesus taught about more than any other topic during his time on Earth? It wasn't love, or kindness, or even repentance. It was suffering.

All people, Christian or not, are born into a world crippled and corrupted by sin and death. The world around us doesn't change when we choose to trust in Jesus. And we still live in fleshly bodies that are prone to wandering and decay. When a person chooses Jesus, it's her Spirit that is regenerated, made new and viewed as perfect by a holy God.

It's that renewed Spirit that grows stronger and more beautiful with each daily struggle - when we invite God into our pain. He doesn't promise us perfection or even happiness this side of heaven. What He does promise is Himself. His Word says

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."  Deuteronomy 31:8

and

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."  Psalm 23:4

and

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10

and

"The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth."  Psalm 145:18

We are promised struggle and pain and frustration in this life. But we are also promised comfort and joy and peace that surpasses human understanding. Struggling believer, you are not alone. God has not left you and you have done nothing to take His favor from you. You're simply experiencing the effects of living in a fallen world. Lean into Jesus. He is standing beside you, longing for you to take His hand and enter into His supernatural rest. Storms do come, but there is One who tells the storm to hush and beckons us to walk to Him across the waters. Have faith, dear one. He is all powerful, He never changes, and you are His - perfectly.