Steadfast

If you are hurting, if you are confused, if you feel rejected, please take a few minutes to read this. My hope is that you will take hold of the promises that can be yours in Jesus.

This isn't a pretty story. The past two years have spiraled and twisted along, thorny and desperate and often angry. I have wrestled with my faith, wondering with groans and tears why a loving Father would hear my cries for relief and choose not to give it. I have befriended the Psalmists in their pleas, I am intimately acquainted with their grief.

I say to God, my rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I walk about mournfully because the enemy oppresses me?” As with a deadly wound in my body, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me continually, 'Where is your God?'" Psalm 42:9-10

For two years He did not deliver me. And yet He never left my side. In this, the most difficult season of my life to date, I felt the presence and comfort of my Savior in ways I only wish I could adequately describe. He has been more real to me, more true, more sufficient to hold up my weary arms than I could ever have imagined. To know my God this well, to trust Him with this level of confidence is worth whatever scars I now bear.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea. Psalm 46:1-2

We live in a world broken and corrupted by sin, where sickness and death are common realities. We have a beautiful and powerful promise that one day the world and everything in it will be fully restored, but that day hasn't come yet (Revelation 21). In the meantime, there is a God, the Creator, who already holds Victory in His hand. He loves His children fiercely. He sent His only Son to experience every earthly temptation and heartache so that He can perfectly empathize with us (Hebrews 4:15). He does not promise to remove us from the broken condition of the world, but He does promise to walk through the darkest valleys with us and to supply the power we need to endure (2 Corinthians 4).

This isn't a pretty story, but it IS a glorious one. For now, my psychiatrist and I have finally found a combination of drugs that work for me. I feel more like myself than I have since my girls were born. As I shake off the weight and test my wings, I can't help but be filled with great joy at the steadfastness of my God. He never left me. He never will.

This promise can be as true for you as it is for me. All you have to do is believe in Him and trust in what Jesus accomplished for you when he died on the cross and came up out of the grave. When you are adopted into His family, you have access to His abundant love, mercy, strength and power. If you seek Him, you will find Him, and this will be as true for you as it has been for me:

But this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him.'" Lamentations 3:21-24

The Art of Hanging On

I am a shell. Or at least it feels that way. A shell of the woman I used to be, before Depression scooped me up, flipped me upside down and sent most of my self-identifying traits jangling out into a scattered pile on the floor. Most days I wonder where the spunky, driven, faith-filled girl I used to be has gone. Most days it is a struggle to remember what it feels like to be me. Most days I don't want to fight to find her.

And Yet. No matter how desperate or discouraged, despondent or defeated I feel I know there is a reality greater than my Depression. I love Jesus, I have been adopted into His family and my identity as a daughter of God Himself will never change. 

I have to preach that to myself, y'all. Every. Day. If I'm honest, that is incredibly difficult to do right now. I often choose to succumb to sadness and despondency instead of opening my Bible and clinging to my Father in prayer. I choose to believe the lie that Depression is what defines me now, that I will never get the "old me" back.

Can you relate? Is there a hurt in your life so deep and seemingly never-ending that you can't see how or where God can possibly be at work? If you are nodding your head, I am so sorry for your pain. It sucks. Here is what God has reminded me of today.

We have to fight.

As I read in the book of Joshua this morning, a particular verse jumped out at me. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go" (1:9). That promise was not just made to Joshua. God loved us enough to sacrifice His only Son, and Jesus left us the Holy Spirit as a helper. I have to fight through my circumstances to speak truth to myself and find hope in my Savior. The key is that I am not meant to fight alone. As a believer I have the help of the Holy Spirit to be strong where I am weak. "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" (Exodus 14:14). All we need to do is admit our weakness and call on the Conquering King for help to believe when we cannot.

We need to be surrounded.

Sometimes even calling out to God for help seems too difficult. This is when I need believers around me who know me, know my struggles and can stand in the gap for me. I have chosen to be transparent about my Depression because I recognize that I need brothers and sisters in Christ to know my situation and pray for me when I cannot. I am incredibly grateful for my husband, parents and friends who are praying for me and encouraging me through this difficult season. It is often their reminders of Christ's unshakable love for me that spark a light in my darkness. I need those reminders of where my true, beautiful and unchangeable identity lies, and so do you.

This is how we hang on. "Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need" (Hebrews 4:16). Know that the God of all creation loves you, is in constant pursuit of you, and gives you a Hope and a Future that rises above and beyond your current circumstances. I am choosing His reality today. Let's do it together.