That's right, I said TWINS. It took me a moment, okay a full seven days, for that word to begin to sink in. When the hyperovulation gene has made it completely undetected through a hereditary line of three women before reaching you, you just don't stroll into the doctor's office for your first ultrasound expecting to hear the tech say quietly and carefully, "I see two babies." Surprise!
The hubs and I found out about our two babies (affectionately dubbed PB&J for the remainder of my pregnancy) on December 1st. It's been 29 days since that life-altering announcement and I have to admit I'm still struggling with the concept. A lot. Brooks had been such a sweet, easy-going baby that Hubs and I thought, why not go ahead and add a second? They'll be close in age and best buddies growing up together. What we didn't consider for even a second was the possibility that we might go from one offspring to three in the span of nine months. That's a vastly different proposition.
Three cribs. Three little stinky butts in diapers. Three small human beings who cannot yet use words to communicate and therefore must cry. Often. Three high chairs (or maybe two and a booster seat). Three car seats (thank God we just bought a minivan). A stroller that will somehow carry three children. Did I mention the diapers?
I don't know how it's emotionally possible to be excited, scared and guilt-ridden all at once, but that's pretty much my constant state of being right now. I am thrilled to be carrying healthy babies, and of course I already love them like a fierce mama bear. I am terrified thinking about how on earth I'm going to take care of three children under 20 months old next summer, and terrified that my sweet son will get lost in the melee. That cannot happen. I feel guilty that I'm not more excited to be pregnant with twins. I know there are countless women in the world who cannot conceive at all, and here am I, Fertile Myrtle, 60% happy on a really good day and just plain petrified the rest of the time.
Have you ever Googled articles on having twins and a toddler? The majority of them start like this: "You have a singleton and are adding twins? God bless you." The most memorable reactions I've received from coworkers and friends so far have been "Better you than me" and "Congratulations?" Twin parents I speak with typically caution me with "The first year is absolute hell, but then it gets really fun."
But then there are all of the people who are beside themselves with excitement for me (like my boss who shouted the news across an entire wing of cubicles - "Hey guys, Tori is having twins!!"), and they help to balance the scales. Their excitement rubs off on me a little, and I need that. You're right. Twins will be so much fun. My kids will be the Three Musketeers. I am knocking out three children in only two pregnancies. There are many reasons to rejoice!
And I have to remind myself on a daily basis that God knows what Hubs and I can handle. The ultrasound announcement was not a surprise to Him. He has a distinct plan and purpose for PB&J, as siblings and as individuals. God has been preparing our little family already. The hubs was rear-ended a few months ago and his car was totaled, so we went ahead and bought what was once going to be "the minivan we get down the road." We decided that I would leave my job last week, which now allows me 5-6 precious months to rest, prepare and spend extra quality time with Brooks. On December 1st, immediately following the declaration "I see two babies," an additional ultrasound tech entered the exam room who happens to be a mother of preteen twins. In the initial shock of the news, she was able to reassure and encourage two reeling parents. The babies will hopefully arrive in June, which lines up seamlessly with Hubs' summer break from grad school classes. There are many reasons to rejoice.
So there you have it. My twin pregnancy confession. I am excited. I am scared. I want desperately to be more excited and less scared. I'm a work in progress. And God is Good. And He's got this, even if I don't.
PB&J, Mama loves you to the moon and back.
